Severus Snape Meets the New DADA Professor
by HPITBBE
Summary: Severus Snape is irked by the mere presence of Edward Cullen, the new DADA Professor. R&R.


_-Bella is the one in italics, obviously, if you could not tell by the ghastly compliments; (mind you, incantations are in italics as well, so I trust you can differentiate :D)- _

**Reviews are appreciated.**

(Sorry it's kind of short.)

By the way, none of these characters, or anything that seems familiar to you, is mine, except for my flavor.

* * *

Severus Snape looked coolly at Edward Cullen. The latter flashed him a bright smile, hoping to dazzle the dull stare of the Potions master into a puddle _at his glorious, perfect feet._

"As arrogant as his predecessor," Snape murmured, looking intently at the man who claimed the now coveted Defense Against the Dark Arts job after Harry Potter became Head of the Auror Department. Snape found it increasingly and curiously difficult to penetrate the young Cullen's mind, almost as if he was adept at Occlumency — one moment, that idea is absolutely absurd, Snape decided. A vampire couldn't possibly —

"Professor Snape?" Professor Cullen inquired _softly in his angelic, velvet, mouth watering, and dulcet voice, encased in a glorious body which harbored his godlike lips, made from perfection sent by Above and beyond. _

"Cullen." Snape replied coldly, pointing out to himself that maybe Legilimency doesn't work on non-beings. Surely vampires, inhuman as they are, can not be considered beings. Still, the way Cullen sat, with his ankles crossed and soft tousled look as if everything was beneath him, and his confidence that he would do exceptionally well made him want to throw a good Stinging Hex and see boils protruding from _every inch of his translucent, ivory, Adonis-like skin. _

"I can't seem to read your mind, you see," Professor Cullen said softly, looking only mildly annoyed, _a flaw in his otherwise glorious, breathtaking face_. The Potions master raised his eyebrows.

"Oh?"

"Indeed, my good man."

"I don't see why you would," Snape said quietly, mentally calculating the chances of vampires knowing Legilimency again. "I was not aware that vampires could perform Leg—"

Edward laughed, _the most beautiful sound in the world. Nothing comes even close. Everything pales, and dulls pathetically in comparison. The way his nose so softly flared, inviting in perfect germs that could not penetrate his body, for he is inhuman and rock hard, but sexily so. His nose was blissfully clean; its edges lined in silk and smelled like Alice, only ten times better. Perfection, heartbreakingly so. _

"I can not perform Legilimency, Professor." He smiled brightly, as if this was well known to everyone in Edward _and Bella's! _world. "I read minds." He smiled brightly again.

"_Petrificus Totalus_!" Snape roared, his wand whipping out from underneath his robes. His chest heaved up and down, and the blood rushed through his veins where sheer annoyance had propelled him to his feet. Never again would he hear that buffoon, never again would he utter words in his presence again…really, it was one incantation, one phrase, one quick flash that would finish him off... Severus paled and watched his hand twitch. That, alone, seemed to make him glance down at the immobile marble statue at his feet, with large, golden eyes looking at him in alarm.

Snape pointed the wand at Professor Cullen's forehead and muttered, "_Obliviate."_ Edward's eyes rolled back neatly, _in its soft, perfect _sockets and he was quite still. Snape waved his wand and positioned Cullen into sitting in his previous spot.

"_Finite Incantatem," _Snape said and sat down before Edward could blink his _wonderful _irises.

"I'm sorry Professor, must have dozed off…what I was saying—?"

"—was that you could read minds, in which I was about to respectfully disagree, Professor," Snape said rather harshly, stunned at his act of discomposure.

"I can read minds. Yours is very difficult to read." Edward's _perfectly arched eyebrows _furrowed. "That has only happened once, when I couldn't read Bella's mind."

Severus blanched. "I think I am correct when I say that Bella was your undying, irrevocably, irreversibly and inexplicably your number one — shall I say 'beau'— of your…existence?"

"Yes, before I devoured her," Edward chuckled, _don't laugh baby, I did it for you_, his eyes somewhere far away.

Snape smirked and held out his knuckle for a pound. Edward lightly punched _iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouforever _his fist and Snape recoiled quickly, amazed at his strength. He hastily recovered.

"Fool," he said coldly, as if the last five seconds was merely something trivial that is best never to be uttered again, "only muggles think of mind reading," he recited verbatim, from those precious hours in he slandered Potter. "The mind is not a book, to be opened at will and examined at leisure," he recited word for word, watching the new DADA professor undermine his intelligence with a casual smirk. _You're my life, or before my life…_

"You're wrong," Edward Cullen said curtly, palpably self-assured.

With a slash of his wand, Snape bellowed "_Crucio! Levicorpus! Liberacorpus! Petrificus Totalus! Obliviate!" _andin slightly less than half a minute Edward was once again played the puppet, and his large frame was doubled over in the chair with the sheer exhaustion of the power of magic.

"Mr. Cullen," Snape said sharply, now rather amused at his quick outburst, and was determined to neatly dispose of Edward Cullen's body in due time.

"Ah, yes," the _angel_ muttered.

_iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou. _

* * *

So, what do you think? I thought it was fine, but kind of pointless; I'm pretty sure this is my first parody. Well, I'm not sure, which i why I need your honest feedback. The ending was pretty cheap, I thought. Be ruthless, my lovelies (:

I just want to say right now that although I'm not altogether fond of the whole Twilight franchise, I do appreciate it.

Harry Potter is infinitely better.


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